I may not be a girl anymore, but I'm a geek and a knitter.
Friday, June 30, 2017
30 Days of Pride: Day 30, the end
Anything LGBT you’d like to end this on :]
I hope you've enjoyed this month. I have.
Thank you for bearing with me.
I am Nicholas Rowan Sparrow. (sometimes Nicholas Wyatt Rowan, depends)
I'm nearly 50, married to a long-suffering man, living with six cats and am a little confused about what gay and straight me in my life.
My two daughters are bisexual.
My younger son thinks bisexuality is the human default setting (he has Jack Harkness damage)
My husband is the PFLAG president.
Please continue enjoying the content here as we make the long strange trip. It will be queer and pagan, and geeky. Lots of geeky. This is the only long-form blog I'm keeping now.
Where else you can find me:
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/NickRowan
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/nick.rowan.9678
Twitter: https://twitter.com/NickRowan16
I usually schedule the posts for this
The Mailing List: http://facebook.us15.list-manage1.com/subscribe?u=cdcc1da875b3ac22f480d293e&id=4bff76b146
Mail Chimp
Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/nicholasrowan
A mixed bag of politics, crafting and geekery
My Website: https://nicholasrowansp.wixsite.com/website
Needs work
I hope you've enjoyed this month. I have.
Thank you for bearing with me.
I am Nicholas Rowan Sparrow. (sometimes Nicholas Wyatt Rowan, depends)
I'm nearly 50, married to a long-suffering man, living with six cats and am a little confused about what gay and straight me in my life.
My two daughters are bisexual.
My younger son thinks bisexuality is the human default setting (he has Jack Harkness damage)
My husband is the PFLAG president.
Please continue enjoying the content here as we make the long strange trip. It will be queer and pagan, and geeky. Lots of geeky. This is the only long-form blog I'm keeping now.
Where else you can find me:
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/NickRowan
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/nick.rowan.9678
Twitter: https://twitter.com/NickRowan16
I usually schedule the posts for this
The Mailing List: http://facebook.us15.list-manage1.com/subscribe?u=cdcc1da875b3ac22f480d293e&id=4bff76b146
Mail Chimp
Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/nicholasrowan
A mixed bag of politics, crafting and geekery
My Website: https://nicholasrowansp.wixsite.com/website
Needs work
Thursday, June 29, 2017
30 Days of Pride: Day 29, Shout!
SHOUT SOMETHING! IT CAN BE HAPPY AND ABOUT PRIDE OR ABOUT WHY YOU HATE HOMOPHOBIA!
Shout, shout, let it all out
These are the things I can do without,
come on.
I'm talking to you,
come on...
I'M HERE!
I'M QUEER!
GO WITH IT OR WALK AWAY!
Shout, shout, let it all out
These are the things I can do without,
come on.
I'm talking to you,
come on...
I'M HERE!
I'M QUEER!
GO WITH IT OR WALK AWAY!
Wednesday, June 28, 2017
30 Days of Pride: An open letter
Day 28 - Write a letter to someone. It can be a coming out letter or a letter regarding how you hate their homophobia or whatnot. You don’t have to send it.
Dear Mom,
You know all this now, so I guess this is mostly to get it off my chest. You hated lesbians all my life. That's why I never told you I was. I think you might have guessed, between Debbie and Lisi and others. But Mudd gave you plausible deniability, so we never talked.
The closest we came was when Olivia was out as bisexual on her FB. You said she was too young to know. I asked when you knew you wanted to kiss boys. You said 9-10. I said she wanted to kiss girls and boys in the same way, and that 12 was not too young to know this.
I guess the news that I'm a guy might surprise you. Or maybe not. I tried to be a girl. i tried to be ladylike. I never could. It was always an act.
But you know all this. Because the dead know and see all. I saw Michael come for you, that night in the hospital and I sent you from love into love. And I hope you still love me, even though I will never be the dainty, feminine, pretty Angelia Marie you wanted.
Dear Mom,
You know all this now, so I guess this is mostly to get it off my chest. You hated lesbians all my life. That's why I never told you I was. I think you might have guessed, between Debbie and Lisi and others. But Mudd gave you plausible deniability, so we never talked.
The closest we came was when Olivia was out as bisexual on her FB. You said she was too young to know. I asked when you knew you wanted to kiss boys. You said 9-10. I said she wanted to kiss girls and boys in the same way, and that 12 was not too young to know this.
I guess the news that I'm a guy might surprise you. Or maybe not. I tried to be a girl. i tried to be ladylike. I never could. It was always an act.
But you know all this. Because the dead know and see all. I saw Michael come for you, that night in the hospital and I sent you from love into love. And I hope you still love me, even though I will never be the dainty, feminine, pretty Angelia Marie you wanted.
30 Days of Pride: Day 27. On the Web
Day 27 - Your favorite LGBT blog/tumblr/site
I'm not sure I have one. I read Joe My God spottily, ditto Holy Bullies and Headless Monsters.
My tumblr is mostly fannish and crafty, with the exception of drewbear who fills it with naked bears.
Queer Sci-Fi on Facebook is the place I am most active.
I'm not sure I have one. I read Joe My God spottily, ditto Holy Bullies and Headless Monsters.
My tumblr is mostly fannish and crafty, with the exception of drewbear who fills it with naked bears.
Queer Sci-Fi on Facebook is the place I am most active.
Thoughts on Accomplishment.
I was looking for something else and ran across this.
It's still true 9 years later.
Rep Hayes of NC announced in 2008 that “liberals hate real Americans that work and achieve and believe in God.”
So what does that make me?
Let the Rep come on a ride-along with me for work. I do a 10 hour day, driving and unloading a semi. Then he can tell me how hard-working I’m not. (These days, my work day starts at 4 AM, includes an hour long commute, 3 hours of driving and child supervsion in the morning and evening, and possibly a field trip. Then another hour home, to arrive at 6-6:30pm)
Let him write 7 novels and two dozen short stories. Let him make 4 afghans a year. Then he can tell me I’m not achieving. (that's 17 novels and 85 shorts now)
Let him come to church with me. The next ritual is Samhain. And he can tell me I don’t believe in God. (I believe in more gods than he does!)
But because I'm liberal (the only logical position for a queer, pagan woman. check the party platforms) I'm not a Real American.
Never mind that Kansas City birth certificate.
Never mind the fact I've worked since I was 15.
Never mind the fact I've always believed in God in some way, even when we were quarrelling.
Because I believe in clean air and water, better infrastructure, health care as a right in a civilized society, freedom of religion (not just for Christians) and same-sex marriage, I'm not a Real American.
Representative, get a new job.
And this follow up, also from 2008:
Okay, take this for what it's worth, since I'm a liberal who "hates real Americans who work hard and achieve."
I've been thinking a lot about achievement and accomplishment and taking credit. (Mudd's been reading Ayn Rand)
I realize that none of my accomplishments are at all mine.
Consider, Naomi and I have a book coming out in a few months, Glad Hands.
Some would say that's a huge achievement and aren't we lucky to live in a country where you can pull yourself up from nothing liked that!
Thing is, I didn't pull myself up. I had a LOT of help.
Yes, Naomi and I plunked our butts in the chairs and wrote the darn thing.
But, the following people get credit too.
Without any one of them, I wouldn't have been able to write it.
1) Mrs. Beatty for teaching me to write.
2) My mother and grandmother for teaching me to type.
3-4) Mr. Brannan and Prof. Doty for teaching to write better.
5) Laurie for inspiring me to write stories.
6) Mudd, for making sure I always have a working computer and word processor
7) The people at Roadmaster for teaching me to drive a truck.
8) The people at Falcon for taking a chance on me and hiring me.
9-10) Dan and Dave for living with me for five weeks and teaching me all the stuff the school didn't.
11) Rob Knight for taking a chance on me with the Monsters anthology. I'd be writing fanfic w/o that.
12) Torquere Press, for keeping on publishing and editing me.
13) The person from MidSouthCon who saw that I had a pro-piece and put me in for the Darrell
14) The Darrell Jury which got me to the finals with "Prey" and thus allowed me to go to MidSouth as a guest. Without that, I'd never have met the next person.
15) Elizabeth Donald who told me about Ellora's Cave and encouraged me to submit.
16) Brianna, my editor, who took a big chance with me.
17) apocalypsos for starting Fandom High
18) Naomi Brooks, whom I met in that game, and without whom the story would have never been written
19) The NaNoWriMo crew, because it was a Nano novel.
20+) A dozen or so drivers I asked about what they saw as the future of trucks and trucking.
That's well over 20 people DIRECTLY involved.
That's not counting the people who built the trucks I drive, the people who built the roads I use, the people who buy the cars and repair the cars whose parts I haul, the people who created the Internet, and AIM (where most of the novel was plotted), and Word Perfect, the people who built my computer (and desk and chair). Nor influences that led me to write what I did, including the Known World Handbook, The Handmaid's Tale, Friday, the mockumentary CSA, Ronnie Milsap's "Prisoner of the Highway," the Rigrocker and Hammerdown Radio, and Convoy (the movie).
Had any one of those people not been in that place at that time, I wouldn't be looking at a novel with my name on it. So much for the idea of "individual achievement." From the list, it looks like most of the country helped me write this thing!
It's still true 9 years later.
Rep Hayes of NC announced in 2008 that “liberals hate real Americans that work and achieve and believe in God.”
So what does that make me?
Let the Rep come on a ride-along with me for work. I do a 10 hour day, driving and unloading a semi. Then he can tell me how hard-working I’m not. (These days, my work day starts at 4 AM, includes an hour long commute, 3 hours of driving and child supervsion in the morning and evening, and possibly a field trip. Then another hour home, to arrive at 6-6:30pm)
Let him write 7 novels and two dozen short stories. Let him make 4 afghans a year. Then he can tell me I’m not achieving. (that's 17 novels and 85 shorts now)
Let him come to church with me. The next ritual is Samhain. And he can tell me I don’t believe in God. (I believe in more gods than he does!)
But because I'm liberal (the only logical position for a queer, pagan woman. check the party platforms) I'm not a Real American.
Never mind that Kansas City birth certificate.
Never mind the fact I've worked since I was 15.
Never mind the fact I've always believed in God in some way, even when we were quarrelling.
Because I believe in clean air and water, better infrastructure, health care as a right in a civilized society, freedom of religion (not just for Christians) and same-sex marriage, I'm not a Real American.
Representative, get a new job.
And this follow up, also from 2008:
Okay, take this for what it's worth, since I'm a liberal who "hates real Americans who work hard and achieve."
I've been thinking a lot about achievement and accomplishment and taking credit. (Mudd's been reading Ayn Rand)
I realize that none of my accomplishments are at all mine.
Consider, Naomi and I have a book coming out in a few months, Glad Hands.
Some would say that's a huge achievement and aren't we lucky to live in a country where you can pull yourself up from nothing liked that!
Thing is, I didn't pull myself up. I had a LOT of help.
Yes, Naomi and I plunked our butts in the chairs and wrote the darn thing.
But, the following people get credit too.
Without any one of them, I wouldn't have been able to write it.
1) Mrs. Beatty for teaching me to write.
2) My mother and grandmother for teaching me to type.
3-4) Mr. Brannan and Prof. Doty for teaching to write better.
5) Laurie for inspiring me to write stories.
6) Mudd, for making sure I always have a working computer and word processor
7) The people at Roadmaster for teaching me to drive a truck.
8) The people at Falcon for taking a chance on me and hiring me.
9-10) Dan and Dave for living with me for five weeks and teaching me all the stuff the school didn't.
11) Rob Knight for taking a chance on me with the Monsters anthology. I'd be writing fanfic w/o that.
12) Torquere Press, for keeping on publishing and editing me.
13) The person from MidSouthCon who saw that I had a pro-piece and put me in for the Darrell
14) The Darrell Jury which got me to the finals with "Prey" and thus allowed me to go to MidSouth as a guest. Without that, I'd never have met the next person.
15) Elizabeth Donald who told me about Ellora's Cave and encouraged me to submit.
16) Brianna, my editor, who took a big chance with me.
17) apocalypsos for starting Fandom High
18) Naomi Brooks, whom I met in that game, and without whom the story would have never been written
19) The NaNoWriMo crew, because it was a Nano novel.
20+) A dozen or so drivers I asked about what they saw as the future of trucks and trucking.
That's well over 20 people DIRECTLY involved.
That's not counting the people who built the trucks I drive, the people who built the roads I use, the people who buy the cars and repair the cars whose parts I haul, the people who created the Internet, and AIM (where most of the novel was plotted), and Word Perfect, the people who built my computer (and desk and chair). Nor influences that led me to write what I did, including the Known World Handbook, The Handmaid's Tale, Friday, the mockumentary CSA, Ronnie Milsap's "Prisoner of the Highway," the Rigrocker and Hammerdown Radio, and Convoy (the movie).
Had any one of those people not been in that place at that time, I wouldn't be looking at a novel with my name on it. So much for the idea of "individual achievement." From the list, it looks like most of the country helped me write this thing!
Monday, June 26, 2017
30 Days of Pride: Day 26, Gay Jokes
Your favorite gay joke (we all need to laugh at ourselves)
The worst part of having same sex parents: either you get double the number of Dad Jokes or you're stuck in an endless cycle of "Go ask your mother."
Do you know why most politicians are closeted?
Because they can only have a mandate.
The worst part of having same sex parents: either you get double the number of Dad Jokes or you're stuck in an endless cycle of "Go ask your mother."
Do you know why most politicians are closeted?
Because they can only have a mandate.
Sunday, June 25, 2017
30 Days of Pride, Day 25. Talking about queer
The LGBT slur you hate most or if you’ve taken back a slur and used it as a definition, ie queer or fag.
I use "queer" as an umbrella term. It covers everyone from my asexual writing partner, to my sapiosexual trans junior husband. It means my pansexual daughter and cross-dressing son as well as my own confused self. It's shorter and better understood than QUILTBAG, and we are mostly odd as well as non-heterosexual.
I had an editor make me change it to "gay" because the house didn't allow the use of it.
One of my characters is truck driver in a Disunited States and expresses the wish that he could drive through the more repressive countries and bring back "a whole semi load of scared queer kids" to the safety of his more progressive country. I meant it to include lesbians and trans kids as well as the gay ones. But I had to change it.
I'm here.
I'm queer.
And we're going to have a LOT of fun.
I use "queer" as an umbrella term. It covers everyone from my asexual writing partner, to my sapiosexual trans junior husband. It means my pansexual daughter and cross-dressing son as well as my own confused self. It's shorter and better understood than QUILTBAG, and we are mostly odd as well as non-heterosexual.
I had an editor make me change it to "gay" because the house didn't allow the use of it.
One of my characters is truck driver in a Disunited States and expresses the wish that he could drive through the more repressive countries and bring back "a whole semi load of scared queer kids" to the safety of his more progressive country. I meant it to include lesbians and trans kids as well as the gay ones. But I had to change it.
I'm here.
I'm queer.
And we're going to have a LOT of fun.
Saturday, June 24, 2017
30 Days of Pride: Day 24, Dumb stuff people say
The stupidest argument/comment you’ve heard about gay people or an LGBT issue.
"If everyone was gay the species would die out."
I looked at the man who said that and said "And if my grandmother had wheels, she'd be a wagon."
He laughed and said "That made no sense at all."
My response was "Neither did your premise that everyone would be gay."
Orson Scott Card said that people would be gay because being straight is HARD, the sexes are too different to get along easily.
I hate to tell him lesbian separatists have been using this argument for years.
"If everyone was gay the species would die out."
I looked at the man who said that and said "And if my grandmother had wheels, she'd be a wagon."
He laughed and said "That made no sense at all."
My response was "Neither did your premise that everyone would be gay."
Orson Scott Card said that people would be gay because being straight is HARD, the sexes are too different to get along easily.
I hate to tell him lesbian separatists have been using this argument for years.
Friday, June 23, 2017
30 Days of Pride, Day 23: Loss and anger
An LGBT image that makes you cry or makes you angry
That's the Names Project AIDS Quilt.
It spread the length of the National Mall, bearing the names of the dead.
The AIDS crisis was my introduction to gay politics. Preachers inveighed against gay people, saying it was punishment, saying Cuba had the right idea with interning them. Politicians turned a deaf ear. And my generation hid in the closet, staying single, staying silent, marrying the opposite sex if we could.
Two generations gone and a third in hiding. That's what that picture means to me. A loss of history, of continuity. A descent back into oppression.
It spread the length of the National Mall, bearing the names of the dead.
The AIDS crisis was my introduction to gay politics. Preachers inveighed against gay people, saying it was punishment, saying Cuba had the right idea with interning them. Politicians turned a deaf ear. And my generation hid in the closet, staying single, staying silent, marrying the opposite sex if we could.
Two generations gone and a third in hiding. That's what that picture means to me. A loss of history, of continuity. A descent back into oppression.
Thursday, June 22, 2017
Asking for help
All right folks, this time it isn't me that need help. My household, my pack, my coven, my kids are moving. And there is an urgent need for $200 (by Monday if possible), and a necessity of about $500 more for appliances and deposits. The kids are school bus drivers and doing this while on unemployment. Gabriel just had major surgery and anything that can be done to make their lives a little easier, Papa Nick is putting out to the Universe to do.
As always, I don't ask for charity. I offer goods for sale:
1) Any Angelia Sparrow ebooks can be had for $2. The list is at brooksandsparrow.com. Drop the money in the valarltd@yahoo Paypal with a list of titles.
2) I will be doing tarot readings until Monday. $1 for a 1 card pull, $5 for a 5 card, and $15 for a 15 card reading.
3) I will take on a limited number of knitting and crochet custom orders. Now's your shot for that Ravenclaw scarf or the Dr. Who one. Or you know, just a pretty shawl for Mom, or custom holiday stockings.
4) Ollie Sparrow is taking art commissions. Prices negotiable.
5) Ollie Sparrow is also doing custom tails and ears. Ears start at $15, tails at $25
6) Gabriel Rodgers is offering custom book covers. Prices negotiable. Samples of his work:
7) Gabriel Rodgers is offering editing services. 1/2 cent a word, complete content and line edit.
8) Kevin Rodgers says if anyone wants video of a furry fat dude getting raunchy, he's available for reasonable rates 8)
All payment to the valarltd@yahoo paypal address.
As always, I don't ask for charity. I offer goods for sale:
1) Any Angelia Sparrow ebooks can be had for $2. The list is at brooksandsparrow.com. Drop the money in the valarltd@yahoo Paypal with a list of titles.
2) I will be doing tarot readings until Monday. $1 for a 1 card pull, $5 for a 5 card, and $15 for a 15 card reading.
3) I will take on a limited number of knitting and crochet custom orders. Now's your shot for that Ravenclaw scarf or the Dr. Who one. Or you know, just a pretty shawl for Mom, or custom holiday stockings.
4) Ollie Sparrow is taking art commissions. Prices negotiable.
5) Ollie Sparrow is also doing custom tails and ears. Ears start at $15, tails at $25
6) Gabriel Rodgers is offering custom book covers. Prices negotiable. Samples of his work:
7) Gabriel Rodgers is offering editing services. 1/2 cent a word, complete content and line edit.
8) Kevin Rodgers says if anyone wants video of a furry fat dude getting raunchy, he's available for reasonable rates 8)
All payment to the valarltd@yahoo paypal address.
30 Days of Pride, Day 22: Smile and the world smiles with you.
An LGBT image that makes you smile.
I have a lot of these. But I think my favorite is this:
That's Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon. They were together for fifty years before becoming the first lesbian couple to legally marry in San Francisco. Old people in love make me smile.
I have a lot of these. But I think my favorite is this:
That's Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon. They were together for fifty years before becoming the first lesbian couple to legally marry in San Francisco. Old people in love make me smile.
Wednesday, June 21, 2017
30 Days of Pride, Day 21: Politics, Politics, Politics
Political LGBT issue that is closest to you or affects you most.
This has changed over the years.
Originally, it was nondiscrimination and marriage, mostly for my kids. Making sure they were protected from harassment at school and making sure they could have a future.
Now, it's workplace protection and nondiscrimination. Not just for my kids, but for myself and my household as well. Transfolk don't often just blend in. We hit the Uncanny Valley. We set up subconscious alarms that we are "not right" in appearance. And finding work can be very difficult, especially for the ladies of the household.
This has changed over the years.
Originally, it was nondiscrimination and marriage, mostly for my kids. Making sure they were protected from harassment at school and making sure they could have a future.
Now, it's workplace protection and nondiscrimination. Not just for my kids, but for myself and my household as well. Transfolk don't often just blend in. We hit the Uncanny Valley. We set up subconscious alarms that we are "not right" in appearance. And finding work can be very difficult, especially for the ladies of the household.
Pagan: Midsummer
Midsummer.
The Solstice. the longest day of the year.
Today, the days begin to grow shorter again.
August 1 will be the same length as May 1, and by September, day and night will be equal again.
Some Christians celebrate it as St. John's eve, the birth of John the Baptist. They have borrowed many of the old ways, including the bonfires.
It is a time for blessing crops, for turning the Year Wheel, and for making pledges at the fire. According to legend, which has continued, If you wish to pledge, you grasp your partner's hand and leap through the baelfire. Breaking the hands means breaking the vow. Some groups begin drumming at sun-up and drum until sunset.
Some say it is a time for the Fae, for seeing faeries,
For me, it is a time to welcome back the darkness. For all that I am solar powered, I need the night as well. As we turn again to the dark half of the year, enjoy the warmth and growth, but welcome the growing time of rest.
For Sabbat feasting:
Lunchtime Cranberry Sun Mold
2 -3oz packages orange flavored gelatin
2 7oz bottles ginger ale
1 1lb can whole cranberry sauce
2 oranges, peeled and sectioned
1 83/4 oz crushed pineapple, undrained
1 grapefruit, peeled and sectioned
In saucepan, combine gelatin and cranberry sauce. Heat and stir until almost boiling. Stir in undrained crushed pineapple and ginger ale. Remove from heat and stir until fizzing has stopped. Pour into round mold. Chill until set. Unmold onto a serving dish with a layer of lettuce leaf bedding.
Garnish with orange and grapefruit sections. Top with alternating orange and grapefruit sections in a "pinwheel" array. Serve as salad or dessert.
2 7oz bottles ginger ale
1 1lb can whole cranberry sauce
2 oranges, peeled and sectioned
1 83/4 oz crushed pineapple, undrained
1 grapefruit, peeled and sectioned
In saucepan, combine gelatin and cranberry sauce. Heat and stir until almost boiling. Stir in undrained crushed pineapple and ginger ale. Remove from heat and stir until fizzing has stopped. Pour into round mold. Chill until set. Unmold onto a serving dish with a layer of lettuce leaf bedding.
Garnish with orange and grapefruit sections. Top with alternating orange and grapefruit sections in a "pinwheel" array. Serve as salad or dessert.
High Summer, Beloved.
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
30 Days of Pride, Day 20
Maureen or Joanne? (Or your favorite LGBTQ show or queer-positive show)
Rent isn't it. Sorry, it's a lot dated and I'm entirely the wrong age.
There have been a lot of shows: TV, plays, movies. And as a fan, I'm quite accustomed to seeing subtext.
Queer show: Love! Valour! Compassion! This play breaks my heart every time. Terrance McNally has done longer things, things that are more involved, but this one always gets me. The eight men who gather have all the usual problems of any couples, plus some that are unique to their time and place. The middle class yuppies. The blocked creative. The types of characters are common, but unlike The Boys in the Band, these characters support each other rather than tear each other apart. Not to say there isn't some emotional violence, (and no, the BDSM scene which is all psychological doesn't really count) because there is some in every relationship. But these characters get past it, trying to connect and love, even (and maybe especially) the ones for whom time is running out.
Rent isn't it. Sorry, it's a lot dated and I'm entirely the wrong age.
There have been a lot of shows: TV, plays, movies. And as a fan, I'm quite accustomed to seeing subtext.
Queer show: Love! Valour! Compassion! This play breaks my heart every time. Terrance McNally has done longer things, things that are more involved, but this one always gets me. The eight men who gather have all the usual problems of any couples, plus some that are unique to their time and place. The middle class yuppies. The blocked creative. The types of characters are common, but unlike The Boys in the Band, these characters support each other rather than tear each other apart. Not to say there isn't some emotional violence, (and no, the BDSM scene which is all psychological doesn't really count) because there is some in every relationship. But these characters get past it, trying to connect and love, even (and maybe especially) the ones for whom time is running out.
Monday, June 19, 2017
30 Days of Pride: Day 19
Butch or Femme?
For years, I've said my gender is "Butch Earth Mother." To me that means tall, strong, cropped hair and sensible clothes. Occasionally a flowy skirt or billowy blouse, especially in summer. A ruffle here and there, but in the main, sensible, with sturdy shoes.
Even as I decide what kind of man I am, the answer is coming back a distinctly masculine one. I may be a bottom but nothing says I have to be effeminate or a sissy. I'm suits and ties, polos and chinos, and never a flouncy skirt or the "boi in a dress" routine. Maybe guyliner. Maybe. It means short hair, minimal jewelry. Very white, middle class man, without any outrageous outlaw elements.
Even my scent preference has changed, to a degree. I always liked BPAL's masculine scents: The Bow and Crown of Conquest, Caliban, Wulric, Old Scratch (lavender fougere, David's signature) and Highwayman (my signature: leather and rose and smoke). But it means no more wearing Black Lily (gorgeous lilies) or Athens (Wine and honey and myrrh, very mature female)
For years, I've said my gender is "Butch Earth Mother." To me that means tall, strong, cropped hair and sensible clothes. Occasionally a flowy skirt or billowy blouse, especially in summer. A ruffle here and there, but in the main, sensible, with sturdy shoes.
Even as I decide what kind of man I am, the answer is coming back a distinctly masculine one. I may be a bottom but nothing says I have to be effeminate or a sissy. I'm suits and ties, polos and chinos, and never a flouncy skirt or the "boi in a dress" routine. Maybe guyliner. Maybe. It means short hair, minimal jewelry. Very white, middle class man, without any outrageous outlaw elements.
Even my scent preference has changed, to a degree. I always liked BPAL's masculine scents: The Bow and Crown of Conquest, Caliban, Wulric, Old Scratch (lavender fougere, David's signature) and Highwayman (my signature: leather and rose and smoke). But it means no more wearing Black Lily (gorgeous lilies) or Athens (Wine and honey and myrrh, very mature female)
Sunday, June 18, 2017
30 Days of Pride, Day 18
Something about the LGBTQ community you don’t understand or have a question about
I don't have too many questions about the community in general.
I have them about trans-ness.
I don't understand transwomen at all. Why would anyone WANT to be a woman if they weren't forced by genes? Why on earth would anyone voluntarily step down the social ladder, increasing their likelihood of assault, unemployment and murder? And why don't more ambitious, intelligent women transition to manhood for the social capital, especially in STEM fields?
But that's me, who has fought the second X chromosome all my life talking.
I don't have too many questions about the community in general.
I have them about trans-ness.
I don't understand transwomen at all. Why would anyone WANT to be a woman if they weren't forced by genes? Why on earth would anyone voluntarily step down the social ladder, increasing their likelihood of assault, unemployment and murder? And why don't more ambitious, intelligent women transition to manhood for the social capital, especially in STEM fields?
But that's me, who has fought the second X chromosome all my life talking.
Father's Day. Fathers, Daughters and Sons
No great insight here, just a tribute to my Dad, really.
Pics of me, and of me as ME, and me with him.
Dad getting his Bachelor's Degree. 1983. I'm the tall one, My sister Jennifer is in the hat.
Pics of me, and of me as ME, and me with him.
Dad getting his Bachelor's Degree. 1983. I'm the tall one, My sister Jennifer is in the hat.
Jennifer, Dad, Me and 2 of my kids. Summer 1995
Thanksgiving 2010
My sister, my dad and me. Easter, 2016
Me, looking a lot like Dad.
Saturday, June 17, 2017
30 Days of Pride: Day 17
Your first experience with an LGBT organization or event (Day of Silence, Pride, etc)
We became involved when my oldest daughter came out in 2005. Bun came out during the Summer of Zach. Zach Stark was 16 and his parents sent him to a reparative therapy program called Love in Action. We became part of the group that stood out front every day with protest signs, letting Zach know there was another way.
Bun is the blonde girl 3 over from the orange sign and 5 from the right.
We became involved when my oldest daughter came out in 2005. Bun came out during the Summer of Zach. Zach Stark was 16 and his parents sent him to a reparative therapy program called Love in Action. We became part of the group that stood out front every day with protest signs, letting Zach know there was another way.
Bun is the blonde girl 3 over from the orange sign and 5 from the right.
She's holding the brown sign. The bearded man in white is her dad.
Memphis Area Gay Youth, Pride Parade 2005
We went to Pride that year as well, and I made the kids t-shirts that read "I [rainbow heart] my family." I volunteered at the Gay and Lesbian Community Center and Mudd joined PFLAG.
Bun may have caught grief from friends, teachers, school administrators, and shrinks. But she never took grief at home. She had been so afraid to tell us, but I told her I was bisexual too. The kids (13, 11, 9 and 6) didn't know.
Friday, June 16, 2017
30 Days of Pride: Day 16.
A picture from your first LGBT relationship or of your first LGBT crush
This is a tough one. How do we define it?
First girl I crushed on?
First girl I slept with?
First girl I had a long-term relationship with, even if it went straight and then queer again?
First guy I slept with as a guy?
Being bi and trans is confusing and I'm not even sure sex with my husband is straight any more.
Let's just go with people I love.
I love all these young ladies, but only one romantically. The one on the back left, Nicole, was my first crush.
The seated young man is my husband, Mudd. He didn't sign on to be gay. But he's riding this change as he has ridden so many others in our 30+ years.
This is Gabriel. Years ago, we were lesbians. Then Gabriel made the change and I was his waifu. Then I started changing, and we're gay boys.
And this is my wife, Cat. It's complicated. Again, we started as lesbians... but things got very weird.
This is a tough one. How do we define it?
First girl I crushed on?
First girl I slept with?
First girl I had a long-term relationship with, even if it went straight and then queer again?
First guy I slept with as a guy?
Being bi and trans is confusing and I'm not even sure sex with my husband is straight any more.
Let's just go with people I love.
Thursday, June 15, 2017
30 Days of Pride: Day 15
Your favorite LGBT quote
"We defy augury...It's Shakespeare. It means don't fuck with me."
It's from the movie, Love! Valour! Compassion!
I love it for the attitude and for the irreverence. And because there are a lot of days like that.
"We defy augury...It's Shakespeare. It means don't fuck with me."
It's from the movie, Love! Valour! Compassion!
I love it for the attitude and for the irreverence. And because there are a lot of days like that.
Repost: My coming out as trans
Trans content and not always understanding.
I grew up in the 1970s with the understanding that every girl wanted to be a boy. It was just a given. We all wanted to be, because we knew men ran the world. A number emulated boys, until puberty hit. Some of us even considered Making the Change as early as 13-14. And then our mothers sat us down for the talk. You're becoming a woman. It's time to grow up, get the hell over your illusions and settle. Only perverts get sex changes, and it doesn't make you a real man, any more than it makes them real women.
So we did, mostly. Some continued acting overtly mannish, to the point that everyone assumed they were lesbians. Some of us continued more subtly, performing femininity when we had to, and never doing it well. Some starved themselves into anorexia to make the periods and secondary changes stop. Some prayed every night to be made boys and wept every morning that they were still girls.
But we grew up, got the hell over ourselves, married men and had children, for the most part. And if we never performed femininity with any degree of grace or style, we found people who didn't hold that against us. Some of us came out bisexual but stayed mostly closeted behind the opposite sex spouse, kids and middle class respectability. But some of us still read and studied and followed the developments, wincing during documentaries as folks took their daily hormone shots.
I fought every thing about my identity. I knew who I was. But the whole world and my own body said I wasn't. I buried myself in the strictest, most sex-stratified, gender-roled religion I could find to force myself to conform. I denied every part of myself that made me unique. I got married. I had more babies than were really healthy, physically or economically. And I tried.
I was miserable and left the faith around 1998. I drifted into paganism in the early 2000s, where the gods didn't hate everything about me. That helped. I experimented with radical feminism online. That helped too.
But there comes a point when you have to admit who and what you really are. Some never do. Some live their lives miserably, hiding their selves for the comfort of others. That's what I was raised to do. I always knew that my wants, my ambitions, my goals were secondary to those of the family I had created.
I was looking at photos last night, pictures of me. And I figured out why, even in pics where I'm all dolled up, I'm unhappy with the pictures. I don't look like a woman. I look like a drag queen. Part of it is my size. I've always been too tall. And adding fat to the mix, that just leaves me looking like a linebacker. (I have an essay on this called "I was never the princess.")
The only pictures where I look at all feminine or comfortable being a woman are when I'm collared and in sub space.
I was a good looking young man.
Not a bad looking middle aged one either
The Drag Queen era
Note the posture: shoulder emphasized instead of boobs and too much glitter.
Again, look at the face. Even with well-applied makeup, the fringe of long hair looks like a weave, the chest is de-emphasized. And I look uncomfortable.
There comes a time to say you're done with drag. And I think it's moving into that time.
I'm giving this a try. Nicholas Rowan Sparrow won't be able to be out in full for a while. My father will not handle this. Oddly, Mudd isn't handling the idea. President of PFLAG and he's uneasy with the idea of being married to a man.
I have to decide how far I want to change. Hormones appeal. I think I could rock a beard. I've wanted a hysterectomy since I was 13, but phalloplasty still doesn't work. Top surgery makes me very hesitant. I like my boobs. But I can live quietly as Nicholas, dressing asexually, and having the mindset.
For years, when asked "who are you," I would toss off the flip response "I'm Han Solo." Maybe it's time to live that truth.
I grew up in the 1970s with the understanding that every girl wanted to be a boy. It was just a given. We all wanted to be, because we knew men ran the world. A number emulated boys, until puberty hit. Some of us even considered Making the Change as early as 13-14. And then our mothers sat us down for the talk. You're becoming a woman. It's time to grow up, get the hell over your illusions and settle. Only perverts get sex changes, and it doesn't make you a real man, any more than it makes them real women.
So we did, mostly. Some continued acting overtly mannish, to the point that everyone assumed they were lesbians. Some of us continued more subtly, performing femininity when we had to, and never doing it well. Some starved themselves into anorexia to make the periods and secondary changes stop. Some prayed every night to be made boys and wept every morning that they were still girls.
But we grew up, got the hell over ourselves, married men and had children, for the most part. And if we never performed femininity with any degree of grace or style, we found people who didn't hold that against us. Some of us came out bisexual but stayed mostly closeted behind the opposite sex spouse, kids and middle class respectability. But some of us still read and studied and followed the developments, wincing during documentaries as folks took their daily hormone shots.
I fought every thing about my identity. I knew who I was. But the whole world and my own body said I wasn't. I buried myself in the strictest, most sex-stratified, gender-roled religion I could find to force myself to conform. I denied every part of myself that made me unique. I got married. I had more babies than were really healthy, physically or economically. And I tried.
I was miserable and left the faith around 1998. I drifted into paganism in the early 2000s, where the gods didn't hate everything about me. That helped. I experimented with radical feminism online. That helped too.
But there comes a point when you have to admit who and what you really are. Some never do. Some live their lives miserably, hiding their selves for the comfort of others. That's what I was raised to do. I always knew that my wants, my ambitions, my goals were secondary to those of the family I had created.
I was looking at photos last night, pictures of me. And I figured out why, even in pics where I'm all dolled up, I'm unhappy with the pictures. I don't look like a woman. I look like a drag queen. Part of it is my size. I've always been too tall. And adding fat to the mix, that just leaves me looking like a linebacker. (I have an essay on this called "I was never the princess.")
The only pictures where I look at all feminine or comfortable being a woman are when I'm collared and in sub space.
I was a good looking young man.
The Drag Queen era
Note the posture: shoulder emphasized instead of boobs and too much glitter.
Again, look at the face. Even with well-applied makeup, the fringe of long hair looks like a weave, the chest is de-emphasized. And I look uncomfortable.
There comes a time to say you're done with drag. And I think it's moving into that time.
I'm giving this a try. Nicholas Rowan Sparrow won't be able to be out in full for a while. My father will not handle this. Oddly, Mudd isn't handling the idea. President of PFLAG and he's uneasy with the idea of being married to a man.
I have to decide how far I want to change. Hormones appeal. I think I could rock a beard. I've wanted a hysterectomy since I was 13, but phalloplasty still doesn't work. Top surgery makes me very hesitant. I like my boobs. But I can live quietly as Nicholas, dressing asexually, and having the mindset.
For years, when asked "who are you," I would toss off the flip response "I'm Han Solo." Maybe it's time to live that truth.
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
30 Days of Pride, Day 14: Gay music
Your favorite LGBT song or artist.
There are a couple of queer artists I follow.
I encountered SJ Tucker when she was performing monthly at the Memphis Gay And Lesbian Center. She appears (as herself) in one of my books and one of her songs inspired a short story.
My all time favorite of hers is the Hymne to Herne
And this brings us to Alexander Adams. I loved his previous work, and since he's changed, he's been rather my platonic ideal of trans-masculinity. I've enjoyed the time I've gotten to spend with him at Festival of Souls and his music speaks to me.
My favorite of his is "Creature of the Wood," which also inspired a story, "Fruits of thine" (this month's download for paid Patreons)
There are a couple of queer artists I follow.
I encountered SJ Tucker when she was performing monthly at the Memphis Gay And Lesbian Center. She appears (as herself) in one of my books and one of her songs inspired a short story.
My all time favorite of hers is the Hymne to Herne
And this brings us to Alexander Adams. I loved his previous work, and since he's changed, he's been rather my platonic ideal of trans-masculinity. I've enjoyed the time I've gotten to spend with him at Festival of Souls and his music speaks to me.
My favorite of his is "Creature of the Wood," which also inspired a story, "Fruits of thine" (this month's download for paid Patreons)
Tuesday, June 13, 2017
30 Days of Pride: Day 13
Your favorite LGBT role model/celebrity.
There are a lot of these. When my oldest came out, we made a study of gay celebrities, especially older ones, mainly to prove she didn't have to die young.
George Takei. I had the great privilege to meet him in about 1982. I was very nervous about meeting someone I'd only seen on TV. He spoke kindly to me and let me have a couple photos. In the years since, his unflagging courage and activism have inspired all my kids.
Ian McKellan. Another older actor who is out and proud, and very active. His work on the X-Men and LotR movies was formative for the kids.
Lily Tomlin. One of my all time favorite comedians. Her "Search for Signs of Intelligent Life In the Universe", written by her wife, is still brilliantly funny. And a thirty+ year relationship is nothing to scoff at.
John Glover is one of my favorite actors. I've seen almost everything he's done. And after most things from the 80s and 90s, I ask "How did we ever think this man was straight?" He can pull off a convincing heterosexual romance, or flame like a phoenix's plumage, as the role calls for it.
There are a lot of these. When my oldest came out, we made a study of gay celebrities, especially older ones, mainly to prove she didn't have to die young.
George Takei. I had the great privilege to meet him in about 1982. I was very nervous about meeting someone I'd only seen on TV. He spoke kindly to me and let me have a couple photos. In the years since, his unflagging courage and activism have inspired all my kids.
Ian McKellan. Another older actor who is out and proud, and very active. His work on the X-Men and LotR movies was formative for the kids.
Lily Tomlin. One of my all time favorite comedians. Her "Search for Signs of Intelligent Life In the Universe", written by her wife, is still brilliantly funny. And a thirty+ year relationship is nothing to scoff at.
John Glover is one of my favorite actors. I've seen almost everything he's done. And after most things from the 80s and 90s, I ask "How did we ever think this man was straight?" He can pull off a convincing heterosexual romance, or flame like a phoenix's plumage, as the role calls for it.
Monday, June 12, 2017
30 Days of Pride: Day 12
Your favorite LGBT movie (or one you’d like to see).
My favorite is Drool.
An abused wife's plan to escape her husband goes awry when she accidentally kills him, causing her to split on a cross-country drive with her best friend and his corpse in tow.
I saw this when I was on an Oded Fehr binge. He plays the trashiest of white trash in this and spends most of the movie as a corpse. Laura Harring is shy, unsure and mousy, living in a dream world as Anora Fleece. But Jill Marie Jones, as Imogene, the neighbor that Anora falls in love with, steals the show.
Two women in love, two kids, a corpse and a purple cadillac. What else do you need?
"Anyway, as most people already know, your hometown isn't always where your heart is. It's just where your parents got stuck. So it's where you get stuck until something sets you loose upon the world."
My favorite is Drool.
An abused wife's plan to escape her husband goes awry when she accidentally kills him, causing her to split on a cross-country drive with her best friend and his corpse in tow.
I saw this when I was on an Oded Fehr binge. He plays the trashiest of white trash in this and spends most of the movie as a corpse. Laura Harring is shy, unsure and mousy, living in a dream world as Anora Fleece. But Jill Marie Jones, as Imogene, the neighbor that Anora falls in love with, steals the show.
Two women in love, two kids, a corpse and a purple cadillac. What else do you need?
"Anyway, as most people already know, your hometown isn't always where your heart is. It's just where your parents got stuck. So it's where you get stuck until something sets you loose upon the world."
Done to One, Done to All
So I got asked how I, a queer person, could defend Muslims. You know, the people who like to stone women, behead people like me or throw us off buildings. Like the guy who murdered 50 Latinx queers, and injured 60 more, in an Orlando nightclub a year ago.
My response was brutal and simple: Whatever the powerful talk about doing to the Threat Group du Jour, they will eventually do to women of their own group.
I may be a man online and in my head, but when people look at me, all they see is a middle-aged woman.
I am not a humanitarian. I'm a psychopath. I don't really care about other people, although I can do a charming imitation of it. I work for civil rights because Anything They Do to One Group, They Will Do To Me.
This is the foundation of getting people involved. Making them realize their own rights, and not just Those People's rights, are at stake.
Laws to ban Muslims? How soon before they start banning pagans and Buddhists and even Jews? Any law against a minority religion--and there are lawmakers in our House of Representatives and Senate who believe it should be an explicitly Christian Nation--will come back around and bite me in the pagan butt.
I'd like to present as some great crusader, a liberal paragon. I'm not and if I can be honest anywhere, it's here. I use minorities (racial, religious, etc) as canaries in the Civil Rights Coal Mine. What happens to them will eventually happen to me.
Sunday, June 11, 2017
Thirty Days of Pride: Day 11
Your favorite LGBT book (or one you’d like to read)
I've read a great many books, having been involved in same sex romance publishing for many years. My favorite that I've read is Mary Renault's The Persian Boy.
(not a book cover but a still from the movie)
I have a history with this book and with the movie Alexander. They brought me a writing partner. The book itself flows beautifully. Bagoas is smart, funny and very gripping as a character.
The partnership is a story for another time. Once upon a role-playing game, Han Solo fell in love with Bagoas is the best summation.
I've read a great many books, having been involved in same sex romance publishing for many years. My favorite that I've read is Mary Renault's The Persian Boy.
(not a book cover but a still from the movie)
I have a history with this book and with the movie Alexander. They brought me a writing partner. The book itself flows beautifully. Bagoas is smart, funny and very gripping as a character.
The partnership is a story for another time. Once upon a role-playing game, Han Solo fell in love with Bagoas is the best summation.
Saturday, June 10, 2017
30 Days of Pride: Day 10
Day 10 - What does marriage mean to you?
Marriage is two or more people contracting to share their lives.
My goddess is the patron of marriage. I am for it. I think it is a wonderful thing if people want to be in it. I've watched people destroy each other in marriages, and I've seen them be radiantly happy and more than they were as individuals.
I don't think it needs to be heterosexual. I don't think it needs to be monogamous. I do think it needs to be limited to consenting adults.
Here is where it gets complicated...
(Gets? I hear you saying. I haven't figured out your gender or orientation. That's okay, I'm confused too. I'm a transguy who used to be a byke, and is now a bottom eunuch, so you're getting POV of teen lesbian angst, closeted bisexuality and transition)
I have two husbands. Mudd, I married in the conventional fashion, white dress, church wedding and all. We were much too young and have stayed together for almost 30 years, through numerous moves, 4 kids, several job changes, and life-changing injury.
Marriage is two or more people contracting to share their lives.
My goddess is the patron of marriage. I am for it. I think it is a wonderful thing if people want to be in it. I've watched people destroy each other in marriages, and I've seen them be radiantly happy and more than they were as individuals.
I don't think it needs to be heterosexual. I don't think it needs to be monogamous. I do think it needs to be limited to consenting adults.
Here is where it gets complicated...
(Gets? I hear you saying. I haven't figured out your gender or orientation. That's okay, I'm confused too. I'm a transguy who used to be a byke, and is now a bottom eunuch, so you're getting POV of teen lesbian angst, closeted bisexuality and transition)
I have two husbands. Mudd, I married in the conventional fashion, white dress, church wedding and all. We were much too young and have stayed together for almost 30 years, through numerous moves, 4 kids, several job changes, and life-changing injury.
My junior husband used to be my girlfriend.
We got married by accident at Festival of Souls in 2015. (fair warning, that link goes to TV Tropes)
The Blog post about it:
It's one of those fannish tropes we see all the time.
The characters partake in some alien ritual and end up married.
It's kinda scary when it happens for real.
In October, I went to Festival of Souls.
I needed the ancestor ritual and the Labyrinth. I'd lost people this year.
As I walked into the labyrinth, I felt nothing. It was nothing but dark, lined with candles. Last time, I visited with my grandmothers. This time, I was the only person in the world.
A friend later said as I passed her and a couple other people the candles went out in my wake and the temperature dropped a good ten to twenty degrees. And the others noticed it.
I made it to the center. There was a firepit and incense, my daughter and some of my friends. I sat down because everything hurt, I was feeling and hearing nothing, and I was done.
After a bit, Gabriel Belthir took my hand and we walked out of the labyrinth, together, hand in hand.
In some traditions, including his, that is enough to make you married.
So I have a second husband, concurrent with the first.
It was a religious formalization of what had been happening for a while. It's a heavy responsibility, and a great joy, with both of them.
Hail Hera. May all who wish be able to marry and live in that love.
#30DaysofPride
Friday, June 9, 2017
30 Days of Pride: Day 9
Day 9 - What do you think about LGBT Pride? Is it helpful or hurtful? Encouraged or unnecessary?
I think Pride can be vital to a queer community. It provides a chance to come together, to be yourself, to meet others, to enjoy being with people who are like you.
I think Pride can be a valuable resource to learn about community services, to find out which religious groups are with you (now if they'd just stop having it on top of Litha! Our local pagans had to move Litha celebrations because everyone was at Pride.), what organizations exist for you, from health clinics and libraries to Blue Suede Bears and Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence.
I think Pride can be a public relations nightmare, of underdressed people, of those who are visually out of step with the rest of the city. It goes with that safety to be yourself from point one.
We've been going to Pride since Bun, my oldest, came out in 2006. She marched with the gay youth group until she left home. By which time her little sister was out and marching in her place. My husband is president of PFLAG. He has marched with a broken back.
In 07, I made the kids t-shirts that said "I [rainbow heart] my family" All four of them, Bun, (age 15) Obi (age 12), Jonner (age 9) and Oli (6) wore these. Bun marched and the other three watched the parade with me. Drag queens were stopping in mid march to get pics of the kids.
We enjoy Pride and want to see it stay local. No corporate take-overs, as in the bigger cities.
Thursday, June 8, 2017
30 Days of Pride, Day 8
Day 8 - What do you think the closet or being closeted means to you?
The closet...
I still mostly live there. i have the husband, the kids, the house in the 'burbs, the SUV. I'm nearly 50 and changing all that would be...uncomfortable. I love my husband and want to keep him.
For me, the closet was about hiding. It was hiding the truth from myself, from my family, from God.
If I buried my desire for girls, my desire to be a guy, deeply enough with enough locks on the box, it would be forgotten and I could live a "normal" life.
That sort of thing doesn't work forever. I'm out online and in my local community. I'm making the transition to becoming Nick, online at first because there is still crone work for Angelia to do.
The closet is safety. It is security and acceptance. It's also a prison.
#30DaysOfPride
The closet...
I still mostly live there. i have the husband, the kids, the house in the 'burbs, the SUV. I'm nearly 50 and changing all that would be...uncomfortable. I love my husband and want to keep him.
For me, the closet was about hiding. It was hiding the truth from myself, from my family, from God.
If I buried my desire for girls, my desire to be a guy, deeply enough with enough locks on the box, it would be forgotten and I could live a "normal" life.
That sort of thing doesn't work forever. I'm out online and in my local community. I'm making the transition to becoming Nick, online at first because there is still crone work for Angelia to do.
The closet is safety. It is security and acceptance. It's also a prison.
#30DaysOfPride
Wednesday, June 7, 2017
30 Days of Pride, Day 7
Day 7 - How your parents took it or how you think they might take it
My father was deeply unsurprised. Between my acting like a boy and my boyfriends getting more and more fem, he had been expecting it. He wasn't thrilled with my choice of husband, thinking my Mudd was too much a girl, and the role reversal would confuse the kids. (and he is, which is a story for another post)
I never told Mom. I never thought she would handle it well. She was better about Olivia's (my youngest) bisexuality than I expected, and I explained in terms she could understand. But i never told her I was.
#30DaysOfPride
My father was deeply unsurprised. Between my acting like a boy and my boyfriends getting more and more fem, he had been expecting it. He wasn't thrilled with my choice of husband, thinking my Mudd was too much a girl, and the role reversal would confuse the kids. (and he is, which is a story for another post)
I never told Mom. I never thought she would handle it well. She was better about Olivia's (my youngest) bisexuality than I expected, and I explained in terms she could understand. But i never told her I was.
#30DaysOfPride
Tuesday, June 6, 2017
30 Days of Pride: Day 6
Day 6 - Did you face any problems regarding religion?
I had long suspected the Christian god didn't love me. I was raised Methodist with forays into Lutheranism and Baptist churches. We were Premillennialists, firmly believing in the Rapture. I was fairly convinced God would forget me, regardless of my faith.
When I realized I was bisexual, I was horrified. Now I knew why God hated me. Gays were destroying the country. They were killing real people with their disease (this was the 80s). They were undermining families and making a mockery of them by pretending to get married in "commitment ceremonies." As if two men could really love each other! They even made us lose the Vietnam war!
As I mentioned a couple posts ago, I went to a church whose primary difference with Westboro was "We're NICE people. We don't use that dreadful word and we don't picket on corners."
I later used this in the novel Alive on the Inside.
So I hid for years. I buried myself in the most sex-segregated, strictest fundamentalism I could, hoping if I was devout enough and worked hard enough, and bred enough God-Warriors to take back the country and never, ever thought about girls, I would become a real woman and God would maybe forget the gay part and let me be saved.
It didn't work. We began drifting out of fundamentalism around 2000, and I searched. I tried mainstream Christianity, Cambellian Christianity (The Monomyth, using Christian metaphors), agnosticism, pantheism and finally Hellenistic paganism.
The gods of my ancestors, Nuada andFreyja, never called me. Hera did and Hermes did.
It has been interesting but never easy.
I had long suspected the Christian god didn't love me. I was raised Methodist with forays into Lutheranism and Baptist churches. We were Premillennialists, firmly believing in the Rapture. I was fairly convinced God would forget me, regardless of my faith.
When I realized I was bisexual, I was horrified. Now I knew why God hated me. Gays were destroying the country. They were killing real people with their disease (this was the 80s). They were undermining families and making a mockery of them by pretending to get married in "commitment ceremonies." As if two men could really love each other! They even made us lose the Vietnam war!
As I mentioned a couple posts ago, I went to a church whose primary difference with Westboro was "We're NICE people. We don't use that dreadful word and we don't picket on corners."
I later used this in the novel Alive on the Inside.
So I hid for years. I buried myself in the most sex-segregated, strictest fundamentalism I could, hoping if I was devout enough and worked hard enough, and bred enough God-Warriors to take back the country and never, ever thought about girls, I would become a real woman and God would maybe forget the gay part and let me be saved.
It didn't work. We began drifting out of fundamentalism around 2000, and I searched. I tried mainstream Christianity, Cambellian Christianity (The Monomyth, using Christian metaphors), agnosticism, pantheism and finally Hellenistic paganism.
The gods of my ancestors, Nuada andFreyja, never called me. Hera did and Hermes did.
It has been interesting but never easy.
Monday, June 5, 2017
A Day of Adulting
It started with an unexpected dr. appointment.
Mudd got bitten by a brown recluse while working at school. He's on antibiotics now. Miss Oli had lower abdominal pain so we got her checked. They don't know. It isn't appendicitis or an ovarian cyst, which we wanted to rule out.
Then I had to go to the bank and apply for a Home Equity Line of Credit. Nothing like finding out your house is worth about 131,000 and you only have 77,000 left on the mortgage
Got another bid on the repair work.
Skipped dinner because we overate all weekend and lunch left us mostly full. An ice cream bar counts, right?
Did dishes, did laundry. Set up two more blog posts. Wish I could figure out how to crosspost to FB and Twitter.
I finished reading Waiting for the Galactic Bus by Parke Godwin. I need to find The Snake Oil Wars.
I also got through a chapter of The Two Towers. The Ents have come into the story. So, for a lark, Christopher Lee, singing Treebeard's Song
Tomorrow is housework and a 5-9 shift at work. Stroganoff for a late lunch.
Mudd got bitten by a brown recluse while working at school. He's on antibiotics now. Miss Oli had lower abdominal pain so we got her checked. They don't know. It isn't appendicitis or an ovarian cyst, which we wanted to rule out.
Then I had to go to the bank and apply for a Home Equity Line of Credit. Nothing like finding out your house is worth about 131,000 and you only have 77,000 left on the mortgage
Got another bid on the repair work.
Skipped dinner because we overate all weekend and lunch left us mostly full. An ice cream bar counts, right?
Did dishes, did laundry. Set up two more blog posts. Wish I could figure out how to crosspost to FB and Twitter.
I finished reading Waiting for the Galactic Bus by Parke Godwin. I need to find The Snake Oil Wars.
I also got through a chapter of The Two Towers. The Ents have come into the story. So, for a lark, Christopher Lee, singing Treebeard's Song
Tomorrow is housework and a 5-9 shift at work. Stroganoff for a late lunch.
30 Days of Pride: Day 5
Day 5 - Thoughts regarding inner turmoil about your sexuality; Did you have any? Did it escalate to self-injury or suicidal thoughts?
This is a tough question.
There was a lot of inner turmoil, and a lot of soul searching. I was convinced I was the only person in town who felt this way. I knew my mother hated lesbians; she was being sexually harassed by a lesbian boss at the time.
And the trans side... I knew I wanted to be a man. I knew I wasn't a woman, and I certainly wasn't anything like the empty-headed bimboes my own age who couldn't see past the next date.
No suicidal thoughts, beyond the usual level from general depression.
But self harm? My entire sexuality is and was an exercise in it. It was all targeted at the most female parts of my body. Pins, hot wax, Tabasco sauce, and other things, My entire life has been a half-hearted effort at destroying my erogenous zones under the guise of masturbation.
This is a tough question.
There was a lot of inner turmoil, and a lot of soul searching. I was convinced I was the only person in town who felt this way. I knew my mother hated lesbians; she was being sexually harassed by a lesbian boss at the time.
And the trans side... I knew I wanted to be a man. I knew I wasn't a woman, and I certainly wasn't anything like the empty-headed bimboes my own age who couldn't see past the next date.
No suicidal thoughts, beyond the usual level from general depression.
But self harm? My entire sexuality is and was an exercise in it. It was all targeted at the most female parts of my body. Pins, hot wax, Tabasco sauce, and other things, My entire life has been a half-hearted effort at destroying my erogenous zones under the guise of masturbation.
Sunday, June 4, 2017
30 Day of Pride, Day 4
Day 4 - The first person you came out to and that story
The first person I came out to was the girl I was in love with. It was summer, and I was staying at her place. We'd gone outside and were watching the stars, talking about all sorts of things: books, boys, movies, D&D and the future.
And then I sort of blurted it out. Nothing elegant. Just "I think I'm bisexual and I'm in love with you."
She took it as well as could be expected for 1984. She said it was all right. She said we could be friends, but she wasn't interested in girls. And I never mentioned it to her again.
We drifted apart in college but have reconnected via facebook.
The first person I came out to was the girl I was in love with. It was summer, and I was staying at her place. We'd gone outside and were watching the stars, talking about all sorts of things: books, boys, movies, D&D and the future.
And then I sort of blurted it out. Nothing elegant. Just "I think I'm bisexual and I'm in love with you."
She took it as well as could be expected for 1984. She said it was all right. She said we could be friends, but she wasn't interested in girls. And I never mentioned it to her again.
We drifted apart in college but have reconnected via facebook.
Saturday, June 3, 2017
Day 3, 30 Days of Pride
Day 3: Did you have any experiences as a child that foreshadowed your sexuality?
This, I could have answered this easily a couple years ago. I would have talked about the constant identification with women, the Girl Scouts and all the other things that made me a liberal, feminist lesbian.
Things are more complicated now that I'm neither a girl nor a lesbian. Around age 9-10, I developed a feminist conscience. And I wanted to avenge the wrongs. I also wondered, having heard about sex changes (it was the 70s, they were still sex changes), if many women wouldn't be better off doing that. I encountered this idea in a SF story later in my 20s, that a group of feminist women had started putting transmale operatives into politics to make the laws better. I also started to give serious consideration to one around age 15.
Around age 13, I came to despise girls my age and myself for any feminine weakness. It worsened, the more of them hopped on the "Act dumb to make boys like you" train. It was the 80s. They acted as if they'd blown and sprayed every brain out of their head with their big hair, I wore mine cropped, and dressed ever more masculine. I started wearing suits and ties for dress-up days around age 16.
It confused me, because I knew I was bisexual. I wanted guys and girls in equal measure, and I knew that while it was awkward for a girl to do that, it was utterly unacceptable for a guy to do that.
This, I could have answered this easily a couple years ago. I would have talked about the constant identification with women, the Girl Scouts and all the other things that made me a liberal, feminist lesbian.
Things are more complicated now that I'm neither a girl nor a lesbian. Around age 9-10, I developed a feminist conscience. And I wanted to avenge the wrongs. I also wondered, having heard about sex changes (it was the 70s, they were still sex changes), if many women wouldn't be better off doing that. I encountered this idea in a SF story later in my 20s, that a group of feminist women had started putting transmale operatives into politics to make the laws better. I also started to give serious consideration to one around age 15.
Around age 13, I came to despise girls my age and myself for any feminine weakness. It worsened, the more of them hopped on the "Act dumb to make boys like you" train. It was the 80s. They acted as if they'd blown and sprayed every brain out of their head with their big hair, I wore mine cropped, and dressed ever more masculine. I started wearing suits and ties for dress-up days around age 16.
It confused me, because I knew I was bisexual. I wanted guys and girls in equal measure, and I knew that while it was awkward for a girl to do that, it was utterly unacceptable for a guy to do that.
Thirty Days of Gay, Master List
Day 1 - Your sexual orientation or gender identity. Be creative in your definition.
Day 2 - Did you have any experiences as a child that might have foreshadowed your sexuality?
Day 3 - How old were you when you knew? What was that like for you?
Day 4 - The first person you came out to and that story
Day 5 - Thoughts regarding inner turmoil about your sexuality; Did you have any? Did it escalate to self-injury or suicidal thoughts?
Day 6 - Did you face any problems regarding religion?
Day 7 - How your parents took it or how you think they might take it
Day 8 - What do you think the closet or being closeted means to you?
Day 9 - What do you think about LGBT Pride? Is it helpful or hurtful? Encouraged or unnecessary?
Day 10 - What does marriage mean to you?
Day 11 - Your favorite LGBT book (or one you’d like to read)
Day 12 - Your favorite LGBT movie (or one you’d like to see).
Day 13 - Your favorite LGBT role model/celebrity.
Day 14 - Your favorite LGBT song or artist.
Day 15 - Your favorite LGBT quote
Day 16 - A picture from your first LGBT relationship or of your first LGBT crush
Day 17 - Your first experience with an LGBT organization or event (Day of Silence, Pride, etc)
Day 18 - Something about the LGBTQ community you don’t understand or have a question about.
Day 19 - Butch or Femme?
Day 20 - Maureen or Joanne? (Or your favorite LGBTQ show or queer-positive show).
Day 21 - Political LGBT issue that is closest to you or affects you most.
Day 22 - An LGBT image that makes you smile.
Day 23 - An LGBT image that makes you cry or makes you angry
Day 24 - The stupidest argument/comment you’ve heard about gay people or an LGBT issue
Day 25 - The LGBT slur you hate most or if you’ve taken back a slur and used it as a definition, ie queer or fag.
Day 26 - Your favorite gay joke (we all need to laugh at ourselves)
Day 27 - Your favorite LGBT blog/tumblr/site
Day 28 - Write a letter to someone. It can be a coming out letter or a letter regarding how you hate their homophobia or whatnot. You don’t have to send it.
Day 29 - SHOUT SOMETHING! IT CAN BE HAPPY AND ABOUT PRIDE OR ABOUT WHY YOU HATE HOMOPHOBIA!
Day 30 - Anything LGBT you’d like to end this on :]
#30DaysofGay
Friday, June 2, 2017
Thirty Days of Pride
Day 1: Share your name, age, and identity. Post a picture of yourself.
My name is Nicholas Rowan. I'm 49. And I am pansexual.
I was born Angelia Moss, married the name Sparrow, and still use that as my legal name.
Day 2: How old were you when you first discovered you were LGBTQ?
I figured it out at 15 when I fell in love with my best friend to her chagrin and mine.
I was attending a very homophobic church and was terrified to have this confirmation that God really did hate me. (I'd suspected for years, but figuring out I was one of the destroyers of society, of the plague that had been unleashed to herald in the apocalypse, was a lot to put on a 15 year old)
#30DaysOfPride
My name is Nicholas Rowan. I'm 49. And I am pansexual.
I was born Angelia Moss, married the name Sparrow, and still use that as my legal name.
Me at 18. That's not Duckface. that me being annoyed I had just lost my sunglasses to the tide and dunked my watch in the ocean trying to grab them.
Me, NYE 2016, and my new piercing.
Day 2: How old were you when you first discovered you were LGBTQ?
I figured it out at 15 when I fell in love with my best friend to her chagrin and mine.
I was attending a very homophobic church and was terrified to have this confirmation that God really did hate me. (I'd suspected for years, but figuring out I was one of the destroyers of society, of the plague that had been unleashed to herald in the apocalypse, was a lot to put on a 15 year old)
#30DaysOfPride
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