[Trans] The Mushy Middle

 My daughter still needs her mom. She has several dads. But a mom, she says, I only get one of those and I need her. I point out her big sister is a better feminine role model. She is unhappy with that idea.

My future grandkids deserve a badass, butch, diesel-driving, motorcycle-riding, tattooed grandma who knits and bakes, teaches them anything they want to know and stands like the mountain between them and trouble. The idea of not being a grandma to any grandkids causes me actual pain.

My husband needs his spouse. He needs me as I always have been, the biggest, baddest, most macho person in the room, but with boobs. In 32 years of sleeping together, the weight of his arm has slightly dislocated two of my ribs. Because we've slept in the same position since 1986. He needs me to not make him feel gay. He's president of PFLAG, but is not gay himself.

I need to not traumatize my family any more than I already have and do.


So, the mushy middle.

Bisexuality is the mushy middle of sexual orientation.
We're too straight to be gay, too gay to be straight. We can't give up one entirely. I like kissing girls. I like kissing boys. I like sex with men, women and every physical configuration in-between.

Gays think we're sell-outs, hiding behind our straight partner and staying closeted. I've done that.

Straights think we're gay and faking the attraction to them.

Gender-fluid/queer is the mushy middle of gender performance.
It's fine for a woman to wear all men's clothing (My bra and jeans are the only articles, because men's jeans don't fit my body) She's upwardly aspirational in her dressing.
But when you say "I'm really not identifying as either right now, somewhere twixt will and will not," people don't get it. I'm not sure I get it.

I continue being Nick online, in my Real Life and for writing. In the working world, I retain my old name and keep presenting female but not feminine. The boobs kinda say "hey, chick!" no matter what else I do. (I need a binder for public appearances)

Part of me wants desperately to be a tattooed, motor-cycle riding, diesel-driving, badass grandma. Part of me is still "I'm Han fucking Solo and what're you gonna do about it?" These parts are not mutually exclusive.

The trick is to find a way to show the whole world who I am.

ALL of these should be doable