Early January randomness

I am a man with many things on my mind.

My youngest graduates this year. Ollie is chronically ill and often has days she cannot get out of bed. I worry about how she will do with college and with life.

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I internalized a lot of misogyny in my teens. I still have a lot of it. I hold myself superior to the women at work because I don't take 5-7 minutes in the bathroom. I've always tried to be quick in the bathroom to keep up with the guys who don't have to undress. I felt pressured to not keep them waiting on the woman.

I find as I mentally transition more, I want less to do with women. I don't want to be around them or socialize with them. I barely want to talk to them, outside of work. I haven't felt like this since college. (I went to an engineering school for a reason and a 5:1 male:female ratio was one)

I especially don't want to be around transwomen. Not only do the hormones make them crazy, as they do all adolescents, they are negation of what I am and am becoming.

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Exposure to people unlike you does not necessarily spark empathy and reduce prejudice.

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Side-hustling myself silly for a vacation is feeling ridiculous in the light of our actual finances. I can't do anything about those. I'm working 7 days a week as is.

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I have no motivation whatsoever. Not to clean or write or craft. I need to find my blue yarn and finish the lovey.

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When I was a Christian, I wondered how God could love such an awful person. As a pagan, the gods use my awfulness as part of my task. It's unpleasant.

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A discussion came up on facebook about how "nice" is often just a cover. I like the idea I picked up on Tumblr: nice comes from the head and is about what will make the person look best. Kind is from the heart, and is concerned for the other person. Manners are a matter of habit and make people easier to live with.

I have none of the three.

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Took the kids to see Labyrinth at the IMAX. Still sorting out why this movie, which should be very squicky, is not. I've come up with 2 things: everyone's sexual orientation is David Bowie or it's actually all about consent, which is quite healthy for an 80's film about female sexual awakening. He does nothing until she asks him to take the child, and when she tells him a definitive NO (you have no power over me), everything ends.